Get up, you lazybones!
God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!
Why can't Stephen Hawking go to heaven?
'Cause he'd walk up the stairs!
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.
How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?
What’s the difference between a living and dead person?
I don’t know, I just bury the coffin.
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?
There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.
Why could the zombie not clap? Because it was dead, duh!
Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.
Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
In heaven, the Englishman is responsible for jokes, the Italian man for food, and the German man for law and order. In hell, the Englishman is responsible for food, the Italian man for law and order, and the German man for jokes.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
A. He can't get his wheelchair up the stairs.
