Aed jokes

This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

Little Johnny brought a baseball bat to school.

The teacher asked why he had one. He said, "I need it to beat up the principal!"

When the principal found out what Little Johnny had said, well, let’s just say Little Johnny didn’t need no baseball bat to kill him.

The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”

My friend said, "Let's have a sleepover."

Little did I know it was just at prison.

A kid goes into a restaurant without parents, and a waitress came up and said, "You have to leave; this is a family restaurant."

There was a kid at school. He was reading a book and he came across a phrase. It was "purple pation." He went to his teacher and asked what it meant. His teacher said, "What the actual hell? Get the hell out of my class and go to the principal's office!" The principal said, "It's okay, it was probably a mistake. I will clean this all up. In the meantime, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." His principal stares at him for about 3 seconds, then says, "Get the hell out of my school. You are expelled!" He ran 7 miles to his dad's office crying all the way. He went to his dad and explained how his teacher kicked him out of the class and the principal expelled him. His dad said, "Calm down, I will clean this all up," and he said, "That's what the principal said. He said, 'I will clean it up'." He said, "OK, the phrase is 'purple pation'." His dad said, "I hate you, get out of my office. I don't want to see you again." He ran down crying to his house. He explained what happened. His mom said the same thing as everyone else, so he explains the phrase. His mom kicks him out of the house, and he ran down to the park crying. An old lady said, "What's wrong?" He explained what's happening. Then she says, "Well, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." The old lady said, "See that house across the street? That's my house. Come over in about 30 min and I will explain." He says, "Thank you." It was the longest 30 min of his life. He sprints across the street and gets hit by a bus.

Sorry guys ;)

"Aww, it's a boy, let me cut off the ombelicul cored, sir, that's his penis!"

"It's a girl."

Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.

What do they feed a gorilla in Paris?

Ape Suzettes.

How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.

What does a gorilla attorney study?

The law of the jungle.

What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.

I just wish I went on a date with Ariana Grande, and then everybody knew I fucked Ariana Grande.

What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A kong-vict.

What is a gorilla's favorite cookie?

It's chocolate chimp.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

I put a magnet in my butthole and made the teachers smell it.

When you split Uranus in half, it is "ur-anus." That's why it has a butts joke. Weird.