Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna. Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Shower thoughts
What does Michael Jackson and caviar have so much in common?
They both come on little white crackers.
School shooting happens* Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk* American student: "First time?"
The fourth month (symbolizing 41%) on the first day, transgenders mourn for the trans suicides.
That day is called "April Fool's."
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead, I scratched it off and won a fucking ford focus!
I added Paul Walker on Xbox...
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.
Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).
When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.
Stop the cap.
Women have ass and tits... but men have dick and rights.
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already done told her twice.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
What's another name for cumming inside a woman?
Loading the dishwasher.
Toast is like parents.
If they are both black, you have nothing to eat.
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.
Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."
When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.
Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*
She has cancer.
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"