When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.
Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*
She has cancer.
Shower thoughts
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"
i told my friend that there was a tree. on that tree there were four black chickens, I said how many beaks do the chickens have, he said four. then I said there was a white cat, how many teeth does it have? he couldn't answer, so I said looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy
What’s George floyd’s favorite color? Neon black
what has two wings and an arrow
the Chinese telephone wing wing arrow
It's always the little things that make us laugh.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
Why do women get periods?
Just cancel the subscription.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a school shooter?
A school shooter actually makes an impact on its targets.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Is it incest if it’s out in the open?
Or is it... outcest?
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?