Daddydildo69

Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?

Rapey Santa.

The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!

What's big, black, and touches children?

Harambe.

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.

Anyone else think High School Musical would have been a better film with a school shooter?

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.

What's the similarity between your mum and West Ham?

Your mum blows spunk bubbles from her ass.

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."