Worst Jokes Ever

Worst Jokes Ever

Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A. A seatbelt.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

Little Johnny went to school and right before class started, he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his teacher told him to put on his pants and go to the office. The principal asked him what he did, so he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Then the principal called his mom. The mom got there and took little Johnny home.

They got in the car, and his mother asked, "Johnny, what did you do this time?" So Johnny pulled his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Once they got home, his dad was off work and heard that Johnny was coming home early from school. Once again he asked Johnny what he did. Johnny pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his dad was surprised, so his dad pulled down his pants and said, "Big whale, big whale."

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    • As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

    What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

    Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

    Penis when sussy; bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bud buh dum boo dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum bfrhgtjkg buygubukbjkuhkbjub. AMOGUS (sus).

    What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

    A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

    If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me...