Worst Jokes Ever
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
Why did the orphan rob a bank?
For he can be wanted.
Why do orphans play Sims?
Because they can make themselves a family.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Make them clap until their parents come back.
Why can't orphans be gay? They don't know their daddy.
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
Má ég fara heim?
(In an infant-esque voice.)
Why did the people in 9/11 not call 911? Because it would call the pilots.
Why do orphans cry at insurance places?
They got offered the family plan.
Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?
I mean, the one I fucked died.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking during a house fire.
What’s a depressed kid's favorite game? Hangman.
The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."
A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.
"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."
~John F. Kennedy
One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."
The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
What is the difference between an orphan and a bandit?
One's wanted.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"