Yours jokes
"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."
"That's your lookout."
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
I have no problem with prostitution.
It's like an Air BnB for your dick.
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Bluey
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
How are Asians like a box of chocolates?
Either way, they’ll kill your dog.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
When cops say you have the right to remain silent,
You're just happy you have the right to do something.
Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.
Your hairline is receding so hard, they petitioned it to change for the McDonald's logo.
Your hairline goes so far back that it has no records of it happening in history.
Your forehead is so big, explorers mistakenly thought it was Mount Everest.
There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.
Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.