Yours jokes
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Want to hear a joke?
Your face.
When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.
Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.
What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
Yours.
Yo mama got a daughter in a relationship, and I don't have time for you, ASAP, daughter, daughter, or your mother, or your call, or your choice of choice.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.
Your life.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair? Cancer.
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Which sex position produces the ugliest children? Go ask your mother.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked. "I'm a Paralympian," he replied. "Boxing?" "No, ... hurdles."
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night. The little boy says, "I'm scared." The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."