You jokes
If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
Have you ever heard of horchata? Horchata, fuck up!
I love going to Hooters and looking at the menu... If you know what I mean;)
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
Your mama's so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, you can see Micah.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.
*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...
Did you hear about Fridgetair
Kelvinator?
A guy starts texting a cute girl and asks her to give him her phone number so he can call her. The girl says, "OK, but you have to transfer mobile balance to my number. Then I am gonna be your girlfriend and will meet you somewhere." He transfers her the balance and calls her, but it turns out the girl was actually a guy making him a fool. He blocked him.
The next day, he was very angry about himself being a fool, so he thought he'd do the same. He makes a fake girl account and starts texting with some random guy, and then he asks that guy to send him balance. Suddenly, his father came into his bedroom and asked, "Son, can you send me some balance? I am gonna send you cash after sometime." That guy looks at his father with suspicious eyes, and then he calls that random number. Suddenly his father's phone starts ringing......
You see, my son is very into astronomy.
Son: How do stars die?
Dad: Usually overdose, son.
I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.
When your mum tells you to help your granny.
And you unplug life support!
Your mom's a whore, and so are you!
This is to the girl/boy named Gwen: Are you okay? I see there is a bunch of haters but DON'T, I repeat, DON'T let the haters get to you. I hope you see this and respond and that you are okay. Please Gwen, be honest.
What do you call a banana eating a banana?
Canabananalism.
How do you make a mime cry?
You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.
Just because you‘re suicidal, you don‘t have to be a quitter.
Wait, actually.
What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human can walk and you can drive.
My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!
Alright, what do you call a blank piece of paper?
Women's rights.
Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?
Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.