If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
You Jokes
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
You wanna hear a joke?
You.
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
Just to get things straight, I'm NOT, I repeat, NOT racist, but this joke goes out to all the people who talk about other people with darker skin than the other person.
Bully: Your skin is so black and ugly (for the 5th time).
Me: I'm so happy you love my skin color!
Bully: Ew, no I don't!
Me: Then why do you keep talking about it?
You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.
What do you call a person with a hole in their shoe?
A Christian.
What did the fat girl say to the donut?
"I'm going to eat you tonight..."
My math teacher walked by and asked me, "What is that?"
I said, "Paper."
She said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah, do you need glasses?"
What did the minute hand say to the hour hand?
Why are you so tall?
If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree, which will hit the ground first?
The piece of paper because the rope will stop the emo.
How do you make a plumber cry?
Break his pipes...
I will tell you a joke--your life.
Earlier that day...
Mars: Okay Venus, you need to stop with the puns.
Mission on space.
Mars: Moon? You okay?
Moon:...
Mars: Moon come on! Stop spacing out!
*Venus and Moon giving her the smirk*
I would slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
What is the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can't tuna fish.
Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.
Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?
Richard: No, I couldn't.
Richard's mom: Why?
Richard: Because he was cute.
Mother: We need to talk about sex...
Jason: Oh, sex, tell me what do you wanna know.
Jason had a big whooping from his mother and big spanking from his dad.
