Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your cock into a girl's mouth.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?
Calculator!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What do you call someone with one arm and no legs?
Names.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
