My friends: Ugh, why are you so lazy and no fun?
My parents: Why can't you be like your siblings?
My teacher: I don't care if you're depressed, focus on your study!
The songs: We understand you :)
You Jokes
Me: Mom, I'm tired.
Mom: "Then go to sleep."
Me: No, you don't understand-
Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.
The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”
As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.
If you have a broken bone, do you have broken skin?
Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.
Son: No way, you can’t see him though.
Mom: God!
Son: What?
Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).
Son: Also because I’m John Cena.
Mom: Where, where’d ya go?
John Cena: Hey, Mom.
Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.
I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.
When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland, what are you when you are IN the bathroom?
European.
Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...
What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't beat your...
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
what do you call a cow that fell?
Ground beef.
What do you call dolls in a line?
Barbie queuing.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.
When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...
My friend said, "Dude, if you don't put your desk in line with the column, you're gay." So he did it, and I said, "Well, I guess now he's straight." ;D
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.
He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"
What can you never tell an orphan?
Go home to your parents.
