Wood Jokes

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"

He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"

A man takes a boy into the woods.

Boy says:

"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."

The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"

What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

I was really rooting to tell that one.

What's a tree's least favorite TV show? Chopped!

Sand under docks is very resilient. It doesn’t give in to pier pressure.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!

What’s your favorite type of wood? Mine is Bollywood.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.

They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.

What’s made of wood and is zig zag shaped?

Stephen Hawking's coffin.

I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"

People are like trees...

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

How does a crazy person get to the woods?

He takes the psychopath.