Wood jokes
When is a piece of wood made king?
When it's a ruler.
What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"
"I was lost in the woods yesterday."
"I was in some sticky situation..."
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.
Glad to present you a wood clock.
https://olegon.ru/clock/
A lumberjack goes to a person's house.
Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.
Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.
The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.
The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"
He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"
A man takes a boy into the woods.
Boy says:
"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."
The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
I was really rooting to tell that one.
What's a tree's least favorite TV show? Chopped!
Sand under docks is very resilient. It doesn’t give in to pier pressure.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.