When jokes
What happens when the Twin Towers breathe? They collapse like an orphan with stage 4 cystic fibrosis who lives in the streets of Africa.
What does a volcano say when it has a runny nose?
"I have runny volcanoes."
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!
What do you call it when a caveman does a fart?
A blast from the past!
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.
Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.
You're so short, when it rains you're the last one to know.
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
Why do orphans like cows?
Because when they leave, they bring back the milk.
When people tell me to "go to hell," I tell them their address.
You know when people say a joke about living?
That's because we are all living a joke.
Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
What happened when two invisible giants knocked over their blocks?
9/11.
Your mama is so fat that when she went to run in a yellow jumpsuit, the kids thought they missed the school bus.
Your mama is so fat, when scientists discovered her, they thought it was a new galaxy.
Your mama's so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."