Whats jokes
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
If you're gay, then what the f*** are you doing trying to walk straight?
What animal is good at baseball?
A bat!
What game is for kids? Uno.
Q. What's red and crawls up your leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
What has tree roots and what do I have for kids? What is the difference between a human and a used tire?
Tree roots are under the tree, and used tires are under the Hummer.
What time is it when you get home, can you walk home and walk?
What is the difference between a tree 🌲 and a car 🚘?
A car can drive, and a tree 🌳 cannot drive.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
What makes it cold in a room? Air conditioning.
What is a good nut?
A magic nut!
What did the cat say to the jar of cookies?
"Ground beef!"
What's the difference between a human and a tree?
A human can chop down a tree.
A tree can't chop down a human.
What's the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.
What's big, round, and can't move?
A vegetable!
What do you call an obnoxiously loud fog horn? A beginner saxophonist.
What is the difference between a human being and a tree?
A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.
What has it?
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
What is a show for kids?
Barney.