Weight jokes
What weighs 5 oz. and is very dangerous?
A sparrow with a machine gun, of course!
Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, the earth falls out of the Solar System.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
"Ton."
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the beach, the people shout, "Free Willy!"
Yo mama so fat, she has her own event horizon.
Yo mama so fat, her blood type is mayonnaise.
Yo mama's so fat, she works in the movie theater as a screen.
Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.
Yo mama so fat, she curves space and time.
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How much does a hipster weigh?
About an Instagram.
What's big, green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree, it can kill you?
A pool table.
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.