Wedding jokes

Son

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

Marriage

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

Sister

How do you know if your sister's on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes funny.

What's worse than fingering your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her.

Lawyer

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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  • Gift

    A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

    The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

    The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

    The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

    The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

    The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

    The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

    The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

    The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

    Memes

    Marriage

    A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

    The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

    Antenna

    Two antennas met on a roof and got married.

    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

    Orphan

    Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!

    Orphan

    Do you know why orphans can't get married?

    Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

    People

    At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

    At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

    Cheese

    What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

    "Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

    Orphan

    Why do orphans want to get married so bad?

    To have someone to call "daddy."

    Orphan

    Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?

    Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.

    STD

    I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

    Relationship

    How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.

    FEW!!!!!!!

    Funeral

    My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.