I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
Badass Toilet Paper Company: We don't take shit off of anyone.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
Parents: "OH! Honey, we were just wrestling!"
Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"
Billy: *spits out food*
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: *looks at mom*
Mom: Shut up.
If you get it, you get it.
If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.
John Cena once insulted Chuck Norris. That's why we can't see him anymore.
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"
Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.
My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
So they can get in the cast!
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
