When we take a family photo, you are the background.
This is how animals were named.
"Bye Son." *cuts call*. What are we talking about?
"Bison. Perfect."
A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."
A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."
Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...
Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
"Can we at least give them one credit—for abiding the traffic laws?"
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
Me and bro talking about direct objects at 1 a.m. because we don’t know English.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.
Donald Trump is gonna be the best president we have ever had.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Fat people are the reason we have double doors.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
I met an African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.
We just clicked.
Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:
What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?
"We need to circumcise that one."
Two Indians are walking beside a river...
One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.
"The White Man was here."
"How can you tell?"
"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"
