US jokes

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!

What was one cool thing about Hitler?

He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.

Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...

Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.

It was a sunny day and I was in school. I had history lessons and we had a cool subject! The subject was about Penaldo, the man who statpadded against small teams and camped in the pen spot! Our teacher showed us a map with marked countries in which Penaldo dived like a dolphin!

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?

They're both gay and use knives.

What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

What do turtles use to communicate?

A shellphone!

Why was the bee’s hair sticky?

He used honeycomb.

Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.

I’m only curious how they closed his casket.

What should you use to battle a T-Rex?

A dino-sword.

Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.