US jokes
Yo mama's so fat that she used a telephone pole as a tampon.
I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.
To bitch them is my real test, to train them is my cause.
I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.
Fuse Pokemon to UnderStand, the power that’s inside.
Poke him on! Gotta train them all it’s Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you’re my best friend, In a world you must defend, Poke him on! Gotta train them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!! Gotta train them all, Gotta train them all! Pokemon!
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.
I told a kid in a wheelchair that he should use his rocket league booster.
Memes
What is the difference between an orphan and a blanket?
One is actually used.
Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?
So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.
What do you call a U.S. border hopper?
A Mexican jumping bean.
We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Why are vegetarians so good at giving head? Because they’re used to having nuts in their mouth.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.
Why do women only use their left arm? Because they don’t have rights.
What flour do orphans use to bake bread?
Self-raising.
What makes genders and Twin Towers similar?
There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive subject.
Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?
His name is Vladimir Pootin.
What do cows use for math? A cow-culator 😏