US jokes

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.

Why are vegetarians so good at giving head? Because they’re used to having nuts in their mouth.

You're so skinny, you use chapstick as deodorant.

Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.

What flour do orphans use whilst making cakes? Self-raising.

Why do women only use their left arm? Because they don’t have rights.

What do cows use for math? A cow-culator 😏

Who used to say, "Who loves orange soda?" Kel loves orange soda. Yes, I do, do, do, doooo! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes, I dooooo! Kel Mitchell from Kenan and Kel.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

What is the difference between an orphan and a blanket?

One is actually used.

I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?

He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.