Twos jokes

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

How are the Twin Towers and genders similar? There used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.

Why are Americans bad chess players?

Because they lost two towers.

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”

What has two wings and an arrow?

The Chinese telephone, wing wing, arrow.

The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

Why does America suck at chess?

They lost two towers.

Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"I'm positive!"

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?

Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.

Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?

A. I have too many problems.

My uncle was a priest.

He had a two-inch penis, but when it was in my ass, it felt like a torpedo.

Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.

Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.

Our teacher said for two kids to stare at a wall for no reason, so I said, "Hey wall, that ass flat like a pancake from McDonald's."