How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?
Because every time they scan, it scans twice.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Don't pick flat chests because they will turn their backs on you twice.
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He's making a list, He's checking it twice... You better leave out some Vodka with ice!
Your mama is so fat, One Punch Man had to punch twice.
While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap twice.
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
