Worst Jokes Ever

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode, and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

What are emo kids' least favorite lollies?

Life Savers.

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.

Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?

Because they just keep getting harder and harder!

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

What does cake and baseball have in common?

They both need a batter.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.

I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.

What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.

Yo mama's so fat, Thanos had to clap.

Yo mama's so stupid, when they said it was chilly outside, she grabbed a bowl.

Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Yo mama's so fat, she was overthrown by a small militia group, and now she's known as the Republic of Yo Mama.

How do you disappoint people in Africa?

Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.

But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.

What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!

"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas!"