Worst Jokes Ever

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on pot?

Pot wheels.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

I told my friend to fly a plane,

But he threw a ramp off a roof.

My name is Gunter.

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

If Carlos and Jose took a brownie from me and I had 10 to start, what do I have?

Answer: A math problem.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because there was a power cut.

Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"

First human comes.

Sans: That was pun intended.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

They were always saying "Bach, Bach, Bach". And his cows preferred Moo-zak.

What do you call a flying sheep?

A muttonbird.

I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."

Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Yes, I know the murderer, The muffin man, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Why did Oliver have no friends?

His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.