Worst Jokes Ever
(pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....
HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"
......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........
..... ewwwwww!!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.
Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
She kept getting the metal detector out.
A black lady goes inside the drug store on Eight Mile Road in the city of Detroit, Michigan, and asks the pharmacist, "I would like to buy a box of tampons."
And then the black lady is asked by the pharmacist, "Do you want to buy the box of mini pads, or do you want to buy the box of maxi pads?"
And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"
And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"
And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
Why didn't Michael Jackson have a girlfriend? He's afraid of women.
I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.
How do you call an iPhone cover in Germany?
An apple bag. 😜
Yo mama's so poor that she only watches Frozen to hear Elsa sing "Let It Go."
Yo mama's so ugly that Sonic needed to go fast to get away from her face.
Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
Why can't fat kids play poker?
They eat all the chips.
What do you call a booty that can do magic?
A butt trick!
How do butts stay cool in the summer?
They stay in crack conditioning.
What’s the difference between 3 cocks and my sister?
My sister can’t take a joke about cocks in bed.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.
Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
In case of ill rhymes!
What's an emo's favorite part about being dunked?
The hangover.
What do your BF and the Twin Towers have in common?
They both never get erect.