Took jokes

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

Jack and Jill wanted some pills.

So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.

Your hairline is so big it took your mom a map to find it.

It took me 9.11 seconds to realize.

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.

Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

Dirty Joke: A boy fell in the mud.

Clean Joke: He took a bath with bubbles.

Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

Me: I'm retarded.

Teacher: Why?

Me: It took me 2 hours to see "60 Minutes."

I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.

But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?

It only took one nail to hang the picture frame.

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

My dad is Al-Qaeda, and he even took a plane trip to New York in 2001.

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.