Took jokes

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."

I took a plane to go see my hairline.

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?

It only took one nail to hang the picture frame.

I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.

But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

Me: I'm retarded.

Teacher: Why?

Me: It took me 2 hours to see "60 Minutes."

I took a special needs child to a shooting range.

Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a shower for 20 minutes after she heard a DIRTY JOKE!

Yo mama so fat it took her 3 seconds to cross the Great Wall of China.

My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

At least now I can have his phone he left.