Told jokes

Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

Just told Putin to get some b*tches.

Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

I just had the worst gig of my life! I told yo mama jokes at the orphanage.

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

I told this man to rev his vehicle.

Didn't know wheelchairs can't rev.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

I told some orphan that you can see your family, but I meant Spider-Man: Homecoming...

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.