This jokes

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

What did the twin tower say to the other?

"I need to catch this plane."

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

If you get offended, leave. How did you even find this website, just to make people feel bad?? No.

You are seriously the stupid one here. Also this is not a joke, but the people that do this are.

9/10/01

Bush: “Ok, I got this. Just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan.”

The umpire and the catcher were having a conversation. The runner slid into home, “I slid into this conversation.”

It was raining sadly all day. My wife, my two daughters, and me were stuck in the house when wife’s mom and dad just died.

Wife: 😭😭😭I wish this never happened.

Mia, our first daughter: Mommy, it’s ok. I love whenever I see you🥰🥰

Abby, our second daughter: I love you all. Only if you guys die I won’t, but I love you when you're alive 😉😏

Me, husband: What kind of nonsense was that? You love us when we’re alive, but you don’t love us when we’re dead🤥😥😓

Everyone except Abby: Abby, this is serious. Mommy’s mother and father died. Mia says: Yes, your mom is sadly down right now, you made her more sad😡🤬. Dad says: *sniffs* Abby, I had made a discussion. I will take you to an orphanage. I am sorry 😣 when I am better and happy and I forgot what you said then we’ll get you back. Mom says:

This was not a joke. I just did this for Love 💕

I found this game, it's like flappy bird: https://terrorist.group/

Guys, this is so disrespectful, I love Jesus. I go to church every Tuesday morning to give Jesus a... giffffffft.

So disrespectful guys. #jesusismyhubby

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

Sorry for this Pick Up Line.

Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11, so let me put my plane in and let kids fall out.

What is the difference between Twitter and this website?

There's no difference.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"