Things

Things jokes

Money

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

Grenade

What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?

They both make a sound when thrown.

Comeback

Person: You suck!

Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎

Hater

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

Mother

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"

Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"

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  • Memes

    Parrot

    One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

    "I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

    Hitler

    What was one cool thing about Hitler?

    He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.

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  • Sock

    What is the weirdest thing to wear and what is the weirdest thing to say?

    Weirdest thing to ware: Socks with sandals, also with flip flops!

    Weirdest thing to say: "Would you rather be a bath or a toilet?" "The blue angel sea slug looks like an alien." (weird).

    Bonus: Things to ware with other things: Crop top with t-shirt (really hip), Crop top with tights or shorts, dresses with tights! (Cool) Oh well byeeeeeee!

    Sleepover

    So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.

    But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f

    ... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.

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  • Body

    I hate these double standards.

    Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.

    Orange

    The annoying orange told the annoying, insecure, beta bitch orange that he wants to be the most annoying thing on Earth again.

    Jumper

    What was the last thing that went through the 9/11 jumpers' heads?

    Their ankles.

    Mummy

    Why can't all orphans learn about ancient Egypt? Because they don't know what a mummy is.

    Boyfriend

    My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

    Him: How do you break things?

    Me: You break things up.

    Him: Okay.

    Me: Is everything okay?

    Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

    ADHD

    If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.

    Dog

    It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."

    Relationship

    Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

    Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

    Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

    Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

    Karien: That is so boring!

    Daiana: Well just work with me please?

    Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!