Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
Snow everywhere, it’s Christmas time. A person looks at the tree. The person: Only last thing left to hang! He grabs a noose.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address and my phone number.
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way the first lady she was obsessed with her looks so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish the next person didn’t know what to wish for so they wish for the same thing the guy in the very back was laughing having a grand old time then god got to the person before the last he aaid the same he wished to be beautiful when God got to the last person he said I want them all to be ugly again.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
What’s the best thing about abortion jokes?
They never get old.
The weirdest thing happend to me today i was driving 50mph and hit a speedbump aand it screamed
Friend 1: What’s the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me repeating a year. Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?
Then there is me: My life.
the last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”😂
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says “Your mother, of course.” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says “You’re so so sexy!”
The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.
Q. What is the difference between a normal kid and a emo kid A. The Phrase Jump Rope mean to different things
whats one thing gay people can’t draw? a straight line.
Your so poor people break into your house and leave things
god creating cats GOD:make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of ANGEL:ok…anything else GOD:YES PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!
Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A:How do you breathe through that little thing?
Patient: I’m starting to forget things Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?
What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.