Things

Things jokes

House

    • What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

    "I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

    School shooting

    • An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

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    • Gorilla

    • An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

    "I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

    The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

    "We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

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    • Moment

    • I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

    "Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

    Things memes

    Friend

    • My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

    Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

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    • Funeral

    • Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

    Dad

    • My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

    A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

    A lot of counter-offers were made.

    Suicide

    • When you're asked to tell a crazy story, but the first thing that comes up to your mind is a suicide attempt:

    "Oh, I don't remember anything in particular. 😅😀"

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    • Parachute

    • Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?

    Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.

    Fight

    • OK, guys, quick update, what is going on with Freshfry, Drew, and Alya?

    All they're doing is fighting, and I want to put an end to it. So Freshfry, Drew, and Alya all need to read this, OK. First, Freshfry, you should've just said OK the first thing he said, and Drew... really? You had to keep egging him on. I don't know about Alya, but it's like cats and dogs fighting. Just please stop fighting :(

    Generation

    • The humor of this generation of kids shouldn't be called 'brain rot'; it should be called 'brain rape.' I believe most people of this generation that aren't 5-year-olds could agree with me, but my mind and thoughts have been violated by the things that kids these days find funny and entertaining. #SKIBIDDI

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