New Thing Jokes - Page 22 - Worst Jokes Ever

I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

I was an orphan as a kid, and I'm pretty sure my favorite thing was seeing parents with their kids.

I think we know why.

When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.

What is big and bouncy and walks on stilts?

Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?

A. They drive slow through school zones.

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa.

Eating sugar?

Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.

Smoking? Telling lies?

Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."