They Jokes

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

why don't emos live alone?they like to hang with their freinds.

Why do orphans play Minecraft? So they can at least build a home.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

Why did the twin towers complain to the pizza restaurant?... Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plain.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.

Why can't Chinese people play baseball?

Because they eat the bat.

Why can't an orphan be gay?

Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)

Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?

because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.

How do trees get online? -- They just log in.

How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...

What's the best thing about abortion jokes?

They never get old.

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."

What do K-mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have boys' pants half off.

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common? Firstly, they both went from black to white, and secondly, they both get turned on by kids.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What’s the similarity between peas from Tesco and emos?

They both have barcodes.

Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.

What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?

They are both going to be hanging from a tree.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.