They jokes
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
What's the best thing about abortion jokes?
They never get old.
What does a shark and a computer have in common?
They both have megabytes.
Why do French people like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Why do pedophiles never win a race?
Because they are always coming in a little behind.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
What do dogs do when they lose their tail?
They go to the retail store.
Why are theaters popular among cows?
They enjoy watching moovies.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.