Thereness jokes

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

You're so ugly that when your mama had you, she tried to give you away, but there was nowhere to give you.

Your mama's so fat that when she went to space, there was no space left.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Broken pencil.

Broken pencil who?

Never mind, it's pointless.

The F in "I'm orphan" stands for family.

But there is no F.

There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

Stephen Hawking said there is no god.

God said there is no Stephen Hawking.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

My friend is gonna release an air strike. There has to be at least 20 confirmed toilet kills.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

Is it all right when there is nothing left?

Knock knock. Who’s there? Gary. Gary who? Gary a torch.

I’d make a joke to Fetty Wap on this, but there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll SEE this.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

They say there is strength in numbers. Tell that to the people in the World Trade Center.

There are three Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?

The cop!

Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.

Yo mama so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out the way.

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.