Friend: Hey, let me give you a little riddle. There's a table [for] four people who are supposed to sit [at]. There is you, me, Will, Mary. In which order will they sit?
Other friend: Uhm, you, me, Mary, and Will?
Friend 1: Nope, guess again!
Other friend: Okay, what about "Will you marry me?" Oh, wait...
Friend 1: Of course!!!! :D
Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.
Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.
There's like a weird after taste though.
Kinda like a sparkling water one.
I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.
Kid: "THERE'S A SHOOTER IN THE BUILDING!"
Shooter: "Oops."
Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!
Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!
Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!
Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?
Harry Potter
Dobby: "Dobby never meant to kill, Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!"
Jumanji
Coach Webb: "Ok, there's a lot wrong with that."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Condensed.
Condensed who?
Condensed milk.
There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"
There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
Why can't an orphan go to McDonald's? There's no point in the words "happy meal."
There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."
How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.
How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.
What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!
What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?
"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.
What's the best thing about twenty-one year olds?
There's twenty-one of them.
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
My dad told me I'm a failure.
I failed a math test.
Good thing there's a pole outside my house.
What's the best thing about f*cking twenty-eight-year-olds?
There's twenty of them.
There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!
