Thereness jokes

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

"Knock Knock..."

"Who's There?"

"Kenya"

"Kenya who?"

"KENYA OPEN THE DOOR IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE!!!!"

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

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    • A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

    The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."

    The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

    The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"

    The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."

    Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!

    There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.

    Why can't you play poker in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs!

    There were three boys on the top of a slide.

    The first one went down yelling "gold!" and landed in a pot of gold. The second boy went down and shouted "pillows!" and landed in a heap of pillows. The final boy went down and shouted "weeeeeeeee!"

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get to your house.

    Knock, knock.

    "Who's there?"

    "Nobody, because chickens don't talk."

    What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute.

    "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

    Pete: Knock, knock...

    Paul: Who's there?

    Pete: Boo...

    Paul: Boo who?

    Pete: Don't cry, it was only a joke!

    Paul: I'm going to cry! It was such a bad joke!!!