Thereness jokes

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Why are there no chemists in Africa?

Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.

What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?

There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.

I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.

BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?

The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.

The gay couple was still packing their shit.

Hey there little mister, I'm dating your sister.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

They say there is strength in numbers. Tell that to the people in the World Trade Center.

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

There used to be Wonder Woman.

Now we wonder, what is a woman?

Ugh, I hate anons, they're so anonnoying.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

There will be better punchlines at BlessedBrian’s FUNERAL than in his JOKES.