Thereness jokes
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"
A dad and son walk into a strip club. The people in the strip club said he was too young to be in here, so they had to leave. Ten years later, they went back there. They saw a small dancer. The father walked over there and said the woman looked too small to be in here. Her reply was... "I wasn't dancing ten years ago."
You should go back into the abortion bucket. Maybe you'll find half a brain in there.
Why can't emos come out of the closet to their parents?
Because they won't be there to stick around.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Boo.
"Boo who?"
It's just a joke, no need to cry!
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Deez.
Deez who?
Deez nuts!
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.
Do you like CDs?
There's this really cool one called "C Deez Nuts."
Why can't orphans buy chips?
Because they're family sized!
I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.
How do parents punish their blind kid? They move the bed.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orphan.
Orphan who?
Orphan who needs a parent!
There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.
You know you're high when you hold all your pineapples hostage and yell, "SpongeBob, I know you're in there!"
Her husband prepares them a romantic dinner. The wife tells her husband about her desire for it. The husband was clueless about such acts. So, the wife tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay underneath her naked in the reverse missionary position.
She starts thrusting with his meat inside of her and starts waiting for him to thrust along with her thrusts. However, the husband didn’t know what to do, so he just laid there. Suddenly the wife had an urge to pee, but held it in because her husband’s joystick was right inside her. She loses control after a while and lets one drip out. The wife apologizes profusely and continues thrusting her husband. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another drip of urine run down the husband’s schlong to his pelvis.
The husband throws the wife from the couch, gets up, and says,
"Honey, if you think I’ll be screwed by you for more of that, you’re out of your mind."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I did ap.
I did ap who? (I did a poo)
EEWW you did a poo???
My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.
What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.