Therapy jokes
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
An adopted kid is walking to school when an emo kid approaches him. He says the emo kid, "Do you have rope?"
"No," replies the adopted kid.
"Dang it! I hate you," says the emo kid. "Now the adopted one is angry. Well, at least I'm loved," says the adopted kid.
If you know an emo kid, please stay away. The depression is contagious. I'm a survivor.
Like if you dislike emos.
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
Why did the rapper go to therapy?
To work on his FLOW ISSUES.
Q: Give a man a day of therapy, he'll be sad for then and on.
A: Give a man a noose, he'll be sad for the rest of his life.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Therapist just mean the-rapist.
Why did the rapper go to therapy?
He had too many BARS he couldn't drop.
I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"
Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.
Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀
What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?
Prince Andrew's victims.
Why did the DJ go to therapy?
Because he had too many issues with his TURNTABLE.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
I chucked a lamp and a depressed kid, hoping it would brighten up his day.
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\
I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.