Therapy jokes

I chucked a lamp and a depressed kid, hoping it would brighten up his day.

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope.

What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?

The depressed person can scan themself.

You know I want an ADHD cure.

When?

Squirrel!

Why did the cheese go to therapy? Because it had too many emotional holes.

Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?

Me: *silence*

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.

Therapist just mean the-rapist.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

What is depressing, alone, chronic, and messed up? Me.

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

How to get rid of your depression:

1. Stop self-pitying.

2. Realize you can't.

3. Fucking deal with it.

You're welcome.

What issues don't orphans have?

Daddy issues.

How do you start a dance party?

Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.

Why did the booty go to therapy?

It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.

Did you know that there is a new drug on the market for lesbians who are suffering from depression? It's called Trycoxagain.