Them jokes
A young couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
A young orphan boy goes to school for the first time. A bigger boy comes and punches him. He says, "What are you gonna do, cry to your mommy?" The boy cries.
Next morning, he wakes up and comes to school. The same thing happens, but the older boy brings his friends. This time, after he says, "You gonna tell your mom?", the little boy says, "Yes, I will tell them that there is company coming over."
Scrolled through all of them, still haven't laughed.
Why are gay men better than straight women?
Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
Memes
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
How are Black people like communism?
Because they’ll never work, but some of them are willing to give it a shot.
How do non-binary people kill people?
They slash them.
When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Why don't orphans like getting lost?
Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"
How many Senators fans does it take to change a light bulb?
All 3 of them.
Hockey for life!
Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.
If a depressed kid tries to high five a tree, it leaves them hanging.
The reason they attacked the towers is because the terrorists thought the towers were giant middle fingers pointed at them. What silly saudis!
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell them to stand in the corner in a round room.
Why are orphans good at dodge ball?
Because no one misses them.
Why do they call them a nonce?
Because they go for people who don't have any sense.