Them jokes
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.
Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.
A young couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
A young orphan boy goes to school for the first time. A bigger boy comes and punches him. He says, "What are you gonna do, cry to your mommy?" The boy cries.
Next morning, he wakes up and comes to school. The same thing happens, but the older boy brings his friends. This time, after he says, "You gonna tell your mom?", the little boy says, "Yes, I will tell them that there is company coming over."
Memes
Scrolled through all of them, still haven't laughed.
Why are gay men better than straight women?
Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Why don't orphans like getting lost?
Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"
What is the difference between an orphan and a watermelon?
One of them is picked.
Why don't orphans get dad jokes?
Because they don't have a dad to tell them.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell them to stand in the corner in a round room.
What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?
Both get hard when we play with them.
"Nun" means no one likes them. Just take off that dumb hood!
The reason they attacked the towers is because the terrorists thought the towers were giant middle fingers pointed at them. What silly saudis!