Them jokes

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

What do trannies and jokes about them have in common?

Neither of them get old.

What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?

One of them is a domesticated pet.

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

I don’t see why emo kids don’t like to hang around.

I see them hang all day.

You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?

All of them are married!

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

Neither of them can see their parents.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.

What did the priest say to the other priest during baptism?

"We better clean our sex toys before we play with them."

How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.

Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.

The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.

The guys show up and the guards shoot them.

The guys die because the guards used real guns.

What do Joe Biden and orphans have in common?

No one loves them!

My disabled dad went to the grocery store.

He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.

Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.