Them jokes
An officer confronts two congressmen.
He informs them, \"I’m looking for a couple of child molesters.\"
The two look at each other, turn to the officer and exclaim, \"Sure! We’ll do it!\"
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
I don’t get why Katniss was bitching so much in ‘The Hunger Games’ books. Ethiopia has been competing for years and I don’t hear any of them complaining.
All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
Hey, people don't fly with suicide jokes.
In fact, they hang with them!
Why does Darth Vader always choke people?
Because he wants them to feel what his Sith Lord does to him in bed.
What is the difference between women and cars?
At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.
So I sold them.
Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?
Because you can’t look up to them.
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?
All of them.
If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"
How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?
He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.
What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team?
Because all of them that can jump, swim, and run are already here.
Why do we put round pizzas in square boxes and eat them as triangles?
This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"