Them jokes

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”

Kid: “Whatever!”

Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”

Kid: “Doesn't matter!”

Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”

Kid: “Oh well!”

Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”

Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”

Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?

To get them into his van.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.

Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.

The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.

The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.

What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?

They both came from behind and crushed them.

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?

Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until they see their parents.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.

How do you get them back out? Straw.

Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?

Father Christmas left them.

Who can jump the highest?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?

Just tell them that it floats.

I saw some twins, so I threw a paper plane at them.

Why can't an orphan play basketball?

Because no one will be cheering them on.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One of them gets picked.