The jokes

You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...

Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs? They push back harder.

"Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper?" Replies, "No." "Gross!"

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

I asked the emo kid if they get jealous when their phone dies.

How is an emo kid’s wrist like Pink Floyd?

It’s all shitty until you reach the final cut.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

What's the difference between a prisoner and an orphan?

One is loved.

The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.

What’s the best form of contraception?

Being a soccer fan.

What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?

They're both filled with happy little accidents.

What did one chair say to the other?

"I'm so bummed out!"

When I went to the basketball pitch, I saw a man dribbling his own balls.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

Q: What's the difference between an apple tree and an orphan?

A: Apples get picked! 😱

Roses are red, violets are blue, by the way, I have the flu!