The jokes
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.
As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?
What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?
My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.
Why did the director have an injured leg? Cause he couldn't find the right cast.
Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.
The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.
Why can't Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Memes
What are the 3 shortest words in the English language?
“Is It In?”
What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts."
A boy and girl are fucking. The girl yells "Senpai!" The boy smiles, pleased, but then her father walks in and says "What?"
The real reason Stephen Hawking died is because he tried to overclock his wheelchair.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
I can only fit three fingers inside the bowling ball.
What's the city with the fastest growing population?
Ireland, cuz it's Dublin everyday!
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
How does a blonde turn the light off after sex?
She closes the car door.
Why do leaves change color in the fall?
Because they want to leaf their old color.
A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Get in the car.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.