The jokes

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...

Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?

One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.

Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.

Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.

How do orphans have a family reunion? They look in the mirror.

A depressed boy went to high five a tree, guess what the tree did?

The tree left him hanging.

An emo girl walks up to a tree to give it a high five... the tree left her hanging.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.

Calling Alabama's football team an astonishment would be the biggest understatement of the century, especially since they continuously catch balls from someone who isn't related to them.

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Why can't Asians play cricket? They'll eat the bat.

What is the difference between a kid's dad and his cancer?

The cancer came back.

Where do cows get their medicine?

At the farmacy.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.

How do you make 7 an even number? Take the "s" out!

Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.